Day 3

Last night after I logged off, things didn't go so well.  I was a little edgy, not with my words but my tone; which my husband quickly picked up on.  What I find odd is my youngest son and I were getting along famously. I found more patience for him than usual and I enjoyed our time together.

Between my husband and I, we have:  His, mine and ours, except for ours is not really "ours", he is a young man who has come to stay with us through our boys under some unfortunate circumstances.  He is a pretty good kid, get's great grades, does well in athletics, adults/peers love him, but as we've come to find out, is a compulsive liar.  He lies over the most ridiculous things in order to get his way or avoid confrontation.  He lies to manipulate and I must say he's pretty darn good at it.  He simply doesn't want to be told no.  Well last night he lied about his cell phone and not answering a text from me regarding his track meet.  I knew he was lieing and I checked the phone/text records to verify. He said he didn't have access to his phone during the day, but come to find out he had been texting his "girlfriend" (another story) on the average of every two minutes the entirety of the day. Neither my husband or I am comfortable with disciplining him so we have spoken to him quite frequently about this in hopes he would stop. (He's been with us almost a year and a half.)  Last night there needed to be a consequence, it has gone on for too long.  I asked my husband if he would lay down the consequence and he got upset with me and told me it was my fault he was there, therefore my responsibility.  I got upset and we started to argue and that is when he said........WAIT FOR IT.......I wish you'd just take a drink!  I wasn't as surprised at the comment as I was hurt.  I'm only on day three mind you.  What I've realized is although I don't get "drunk" every night, I do drink almost nightly, at least four of the seven nights even if it only a glass or two.  I sure could have taken a drink at that comment, but instead I felt a little empowered, like how dare you!!  I made myself a cup of mint tea with a LOT more honey than usual, I have no idea why but it sounded like the thing to do at the moment, and I went to bed.  I didn't talk to my husband that night, other than a couple of utterances.  He sarcastically apologized when he got into bed.  When I woke up this morning, I was still very upset.  I was still short with him and he short with me and I went to work.  On the way he text me that he loved me and he was sorry.  This made me even more angry, a text?  Are you 12?  His statement last night to me was like telling someone with cancer to stop treatment because they were grumpy.  Maybe I'm being too dramatic but that's how I felt in the moment.  When he called me at work I told him this, his response was that since I never took my drinking habits seriously why all of the sudden am I?  I'm lost.  Do all men play stupid to get out of trouble or just the ones I'm with?  My husband IS a very loving and compassionate man to others.  He's a wonderful dad, sensitive and loyal employee, but when it comes to me, OY!  What an ass he can be.

Anyhow, so today on day three and still going with the notion that I am not drinking, not just slowing down, but not drinking, I'm scared.  I've had two invites to go out this weekend with girlfriends.  It's not that I want to go and I think I'm missing out on something, it's the realization that I don't think I know HOW to go out or HOW to be social and have fun without drinking. I've been playing this charade since I was 18, it's all I know.  I don't believe I've ever had a friendship where cocktails, ladies nights, dancing and drinks weren't involved. I have NO idea how to be a friend, no wait...I have no idea how to be MYSELF!  The mere thought of it seems so boring.  What am I going to do?  Who am I going to hang out with? And how in the world am I going to have fun?  OMG, I bet I can't even dance!!

This is where I'm at this afternoon.  My husband is out of town until this evening again and I have volunteer work to do until ten.  Maybe I can just go home and get some tea and sneak to bed.  Tomorrow's a new day....and guess what, it's Friday--I'm scared for Friday.