Day 2

Is it that I really want a "cocktail" or is it because I know I can't (shouldn't) have one that I am craving it?

Well to start the day, my husband and I spoke in bed about the events of the last black out.  I hadn't realized that I had called him an hour before I thought I had.  I was incoherent and he was unable to understand what I was saying so he told me he would talk to me tomorrow, which is when I started the angry text messages to him.  How I was able to see what to text is beyond me.  I cried a lot during our conversation.  I don't like who I've become when I drink. I'm no longer the fun loving life of the party in a fabulous outfit with great hair and a pretty face. (This sounds vain I understand, but it's only to paint a picture.) I'm now the fun loving host or guest until I hit that one drink that sends me over the edge and then I become the falling down, droopy eyed, slurring, obnoxious, incoherent DRUNK. This was the first time I experienced a black out when he (my husband) wasn't home and it scared me.  How did I get to bed?  What if I went outside or passed out in the back yard? (Which is where I usually go to smoke during a binge.)  My son was in bed, what if he were to wake up and find me passed out somewhere or dead? I cried and decided that I have to change.  I talked to my husband again on the way to work and explained that I have to be done with this lifestyle and asked him how he felt about being married to someone who can't control their alcohol.  I told him I wouldn't be able to hang out with the people who have come to be my friends, ("Cocktail" partners really.  I've been here for two years and it seems like more of my "social" group than friends.) This is where he confused me and told me I could still hang out with them but just invite them to do something else.  I told him I couldn't do that because then they'd invite me over for wine or out to have a couple of drinks and I wasn't ready to tell them that I can't drink right now.  I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed or afraid of failure and don't want to broadcast something that may be a lie.  What if this is too hard and I once again fall back into the thought of I just need to cut back. I've done that my share of times over the years, and don't get me wrong, it works for awhile, but then I go back into the binging and the effects seem to get worse the older I get. (And when I say cut back I don't mean social drinking like "normal" people, I mean I just don't black out.)

This afternoon at work I looked up some recovery programs and threw myself into the thought of being the best non alcohol drinking person I can be. (Notice I'm not saying alcoholic, even I notice that.) I can be the best sponsor after getting myself together, people will want to come to me, I'll start a march for sobriety and make it a trend.  I'll be fabulous, just in a different way. Then I thought, no I'll do this privately and quietly, I just need to stay busy and reinvent myself and become healthy and active.  Maybe I can become that runner that I always wanted to be but never actually wanted to run.  Then I got on Pinterest, who doesn't love Pinterest?!!  CRAFTS!  That's it, I'll do fantastic, glorious crafts and keep busy and while I'm at it I'll start a business.  I'll start an in home party business, how great!  I will be the next Mary Kay, founder of my own domain.  I'll be a Queen and although I haven't given up completely on the business idea, that's when I realized I'm just freakin' nuts.  I'm BORED already and it hasn't been a full second day.  THAT'S when I realized I couldn't wait to get home to have a glass of wine.  Are you serious??? Day two and I want a glass of wine and the more I think about it, I want a damn cigarette too. (By the way, as hypocritical as it sounds, I despise cigarette smokers. They smell, they look trashy and uneducated, yet I find myself thinking it's the second greatest thing on earth when I'm having a glass of wine, the first greatest thing being my wine.)  Now I'm just annoyed at myself.  I make it through the rest of the day at work and meet my son for shopping.  He helps me pick out Easter dinner and we have a nice time.  I come home to make dinner and tell my husband about my fabulous business idea and get shot down with all the negatives....how much work it will be and what if this and what if that and blah blah blah and again I realize I want that glass of wine and I want it NOW.  So I tell him how negative he is and walk away.  I've done several laps around the house, the laundry, cleaned and finally sat down for this.  The craving is passing now as it's getting late, but what a hell of a night and what really disturbs me is normally I think I'd be fine without a glass of wine tonight, or perhaps okay with just having one or two, but the fact that I can't or am choosing not to is messing with my head.  I know I can't even let myself have one right now due to the consistent nature of me not knowing which night it will be one or two glasses and which night it will be one or two bottles.

I'm not sure where this will go from here, but for today that's where I am and quite honestly it sucks.