The beginning

April 3, 2012

First Post

Last night I went home to sneak my normal glass of Chardonnay while everyone was out. Then I realized I had time to sneak three glasses.  After the second glass, it's usually over.  At that point it's at least the bottle and at that point it doesn't matter if it's a good Chardonnay or two buck chuck!  I woke up this morning after having finished two bottles last night and smoking several cigarettes.  A lovely little habit I picked up when I started "Binge Cocktailing". (So much better than saying I'm an alcoholic, or is it?)  I then pick up my cell to see who was fortunate enough to receive a drunk dial or text from me.  It's usually my mother, as the only time I can have a conversation with her is when I'm intoxicated.  Unfortunately I sent a couple angry texts to my husband, who is out of town for a meeting, and then apparently called him--that of which I have no recollection.  He is usually the lucky one at the other end of my blackouts.  I apologized profusely and made excuses and got dressed haphazardly for work.  I believe driving in I was still slightly inebriated which frightened me but I couldn't miss a day of work due to being hung over or I'd have to admit it to my husband and the disappointment on his face and in his voice lately are almost unbearable.

I've been thinking about what I did last night the majority of the morning and wondering how to get help.  I can't live like this anymore, it's a lie.  I like to act as if I'm some sort of great hostess and socialite with my vast knowledge of vino while walking around with a glass of wine in my hand at home and at functions.  The only one I'm fooling is myself.  My husband certainly knows I cannot handle my wine and the look in my son's eye when I pour a glass says it all.  My friends...well they are usually half way there as well, as those are the type of friends I choose to blend with, other "Cocktail Moms".

So while mulling around how to figure this out and change who I am, because it is not just what I do--it has become who I am, I pick up today's paper and read a column titled "Alcohol Screening Important" and an article from an author and columnist about using alcohol to cope with the stresses of parenthood until finally realizing she was an alcoholic.  In her books she referenced "cocktail moms" and I realized immediately that is me.  I took the screening at howdoyouscore.org, it said I needed help, DUH, didn't see that coming!

I live in a small town where everyone knows EVERYONE and that is not an exaggeration.  For me to go to an AA meeting would be horrific in my mind.  Admitting to being an alcoholic out loud also not on my bucket list of things to do in life.  The thought of knowing that my husband would have to live with being married to a recovering alcoholic seems so awful and I don't know that my admitting it and not being able to drink when we are at social gatherings together would be a relief to him or a stigma that he wouldn't want to deal with. (That was an extremely long and wordy sentence!)

Anyhow, so I thought I would start this blog, let's see if writing helps.  Maybe putting everything down and reading it over to myself will create some sort of miracle awareness and help me to either stop or don't go pass that second glass, or even better the first glass!  Maybe I'll be able to see a pattern or God only knows, something that will wake me the hell up!  I've got to stop doing this.  A 44 year old woman stumbling drunk, no matter how attractive I think I might be, is NOT a pretty sight, not for anyone.

This is my first blog, I could actually go on writing forever, this feels kind of good.  But I'll save my stories for later, a little at a time.  Who knows maybe this will help more than just me.