Last night after I logged off, things didn't go so well. I was a little edgy, not with my words but my tone; which my husband quickly picked up on. What I find odd is my youngest son and I were getting along famously. I found more patience for him than usual and I enjoyed our time together.
Between my husband and I, we have: His, mine and ours, except for ours is not really "ours", he is a young man who has come to stay with us through our boys under some unfortunate circumstances. He is a pretty good kid, get's great grades, does well in athletics, adults/peers love him, but as we've come to find out, is a compulsive liar. He lies over the most ridiculous things in order to get his way or avoid confrontation. He lies to manipulate and I must say he's pretty darn good at it. He simply doesn't want to be told no. Well last night he lied about his cell phone and not answering a text from me regarding his track meet. I knew he was lieing and I checked the phone/text records to verify. He said he didn't have access to his phone during the day, but come to find out he had been texting his "girlfriend" (another story) on the average of every two minutes the entirety of the day. Neither my husband or I am comfortable with disciplining him so we have spoken to him quite frequently about this in hopes he would stop. (He's been with us almost a year and a half.) Last night there needed to be a consequence, it has gone on for too long. I asked my husband if he would lay down the consequence and he got upset with me and told me it was my fault he was there, therefore my responsibility. I got upset and we started to argue and that is when he said........WAIT FOR IT.......I wish you'd just take a drink! I wasn't as surprised at the comment as I was hurt. I'm only on day three mind you. What I've realized is although I don't get "drunk" every night, I do drink almost nightly, at least four of the seven nights even if it only a glass or two. I sure could have taken a drink at that comment, but instead I felt a little empowered, like how dare you!! I made myself a cup of mint tea with a LOT more honey than usual, I have no idea why but it sounded like the thing to do at the moment, and I went to bed. I didn't talk to my husband that night, other than a couple of utterances. He sarcastically apologized when he got into bed. When I woke up this morning, I was still very upset. I was still short with him and he short with me and I went to work. On the way he text me that he loved me and he was sorry. This made me even more angry, a text? Are you 12? His statement last night to me was like telling someone with cancer to stop treatment because they were grumpy. Maybe I'm being too dramatic but that's how I felt in the moment. When he called me at work I told him this, his response was that since I never took my drinking habits seriously why all of the sudden am I? I'm lost. Do all men play stupid to get out of trouble or just the ones I'm with? My husband IS a very loving and compassionate man to others. He's a wonderful dad, sensitive and loyal employee, but when it comes to me, OY! What an ass he can be.
Anyhow, so today on day three and still going with the notion that I am not drinking, not just slowing down, but not drinking, I'm scared. I've had two invites to go out this weekend with girlfriends. It's not that I want to go and I think I'm missing out on something, it's the realization that I don't think I know HOW to go out or HOW to be social and have fun without drinking. I've been playing this charade since I was 18, it's all I know. I don't believe I've ever had a friendship where cocktails, ladies nights, dancing and drinks weren't involved. I have NO idea how to be a friend, no wait...I have no idea how to be MYSELF! The mere thought of it seems so boring. What am I going to do? Who am I going to hang out with? And how in the world am I going to have fun? OMG, I bet I can't even dance!!
This is where I'm at this afternoon. My husband is out of town until this evening again and I have volunteer work to do until ten. Maybe I can just go home and get some tea and sneak to bed. Tomorrow's a new day....and guess what, it's Friday--I'm scared for Friday.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Day 2
Is it that I really want a "cocktail" or is it because I know I can't (shouldn't) have one that I am craving it?
Well to start the day, my husband and I spoke in bed about the events of the last black out. I hadn't realized that I had called him an hour before I thought I had. I was incoherent and he was unable to understand what I was saying so he told me he would talk to me tomorrow, which is when I started the angry text messages to him. How I was able to see what to text is beyond me. I cried a lot during our conversation. I don't like who I've become when I drink. I'm no longer the fun loving life of the party in a fabulous outfit with great hair and a pretty face. (This sounds vain I understand, but it's only to paint a picture.) I'm now the fun loving host or guest until I hit that one drink that sends me over the edge and then I become the falling down, droopy eyed, slurring, obnoxious, incoherent DRUNK. This was the first time I experienced a black out when he (my husband) wasn't home and it scared me. How did I get to bed? What if I went outside or passed out in the back yard? (Which is where I usually go to smoke during a binge.) My son was in bed, what if he were to wake up and find me passed out somewhere or dead? I cried and decided that I have to change. I talked to my husband again on the way to work and explained that I have to be done with this lifestyle and asked him how he felt about being married to someone who can't control their alcohol. I told him I wouldn't be able to hang out with the people who have come to be my friends, ("Cocktail" partners really. I've been here for two years and it seems like more of my "social" group than friends.) This is where he confused me and told me I could still hang out with them but just invite them to do something else. I told him I couldn't do that because then they'd invite me over for wine or out to have a couple of drinks and I wasn't ready to tell them that I can't drink right now. I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed or afraid of failure and don't want to broadcast something that may be a lie. What if this is too hard and I once again fall back into the thought of I just need to cut back. I've done that my share of times over the years, and don't get me wrong, it works for awhile, but then I go back into the binging and the effects seem to get worse the older I get. (And when I say cut back I don't mean social drinking like "normal" people, I mean I just don't black out.)
This afternoon at work I looked up some recovery programs and threw myself into the thought of being the best non alcohol drinking person I can be. (Notice I'm not saying alcoholic, even I notice that.) I can be the best sponsor after getting myself together, people will want to come to me, I'll start a march for sobriety and make it a trend. I'll be fabulous, just in a different way. Then I thought, no I'll do this privately and quietly, I just need to stay busy and reinvent myself and become healthy and active. Maybe I can become that runner that I always wanted to be but never actually wanted to run. Then I got on Pinterest, who doesn't love Pinterest?!! CRAFTS! That's it, I'll do fantastic, glorious crafts and keep busy and while I'm at it I'll start a business. I'll start an in home party business, how great! I will be the next Mary Kay, founder of my own domain. I'll be a Queen and although I haven't given up completely on the business idea, that's when I realized I'm just freakin' nuts. I'm BORED already and it hasn't been a full second day. THAT'S when I realized I couldn't wait to get home to have a glass of wine. Are you serious??? Day two and I want a glass of wine and the more I think about it, I want a damn cigarette too. (By the way, as hypocritical as it sounds, I despise cigarette smokers. They smell, they look trashy and uneducated, yet I find myself thinking it's the second greatest thing on earth when I'm having a glass of wine, the first greatest thing being my wine.) Now I'm just annoyed at myself. I make it through the rest of the day at work and meet my son for shopping. He helps me pick out Easter dinner and we have a nice time. I come home to make dinner and tell my husband about my fabulous business idea and get shot down with all the negatives....how much work it will be and what if this and what if that and blah blah blah and again I realize I want that glass of wine and I want it NOW. So I tell him how negative he is and walk away. I've done several laps around the house, the laundry, cleaned and finally sat down for this. The craving is passing now as it's getting late, but what a hell of a night and what really disturbs me is normally I think I'd be fine without a glass of wine tonight, or perhaps okay with just having one or two, but the fact that I can't or am choosing not to is messing with my head. I know I can't even let myself have one right now due to the consistent nature of me not knowing which night it will be one or two glasses and which night it will be one or two bottles.
I'm not sure where this will go from here, but for today that's where I am and quite honestly it sucks.
Well to start the day, my husband and I spoke in bed about the events of the last black out. I hadn't realized that I had called him an hour before I thought I had. I was incoherent and he was unable to understand what I was saying so he told me he would talk to me tomorrow, which is when I started the angry text messages to him. How I was able to see what to text is beyond me. I cried a lot during our conversation. I don't like who I've become when I drink. I'm no longer the fun loving life of the party in a fabulous outfit with great hair and a pretty face. (This sounds vain I understand, but it's only to paint a picture.) I'm now the fun loving host or guest until I hit that one drink that sends me over the edge and then I become the falling down, droopy eyed, slurring, obnoxious, incoherent DRUNK. This was the first time I experienced a black out when he (my husband) wasn't home and it scared me. How did I get to bed? What if I went outside or passed out in the back yard? (Which is where I usually go to smoke during a binge.) My son was in bed, what if he were to wake up and find me passed out somewhere or dead? I cried and decided that I have to change. I talked to my husband again on the way to work and explained that I have to be done with this lifestyle and asked him how he felt about being married to someone who can't control their alcohol. I told him I wouldn't be able to hang out with the people who have come to be my friends, ("Cocktail" partners really. I've been here for two years and it seems like more of my "social" group than friends.) This is where he confused me and told me I could still hang out with them but just invite them to do something else. I told him I couldn't do that because then they'd invite me over for wine or out to have a couple of drinks and I wasn't ready to tell them that I can't drink right now. I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed or afraid of failure and don't want to broadcast something that may be a lie. What if this is too hard and I once again fall back into the thought of I just need to cut back. I've done that my share of times over the years, and don't get me wrong, it works for awhile, but then I go back into the binging and the effects seem to get worse the older I get. (And when I say cut back I don't mean social drinking like "normal" people, I mean I just don't black out.)
This afternoon at work I looked up some recovery programs and threw myself into the thought of being the best non alcohol drinking person I can be. (Notice I'm not saying alcoholic, even I notice that.) I can be the best sponsor after getting myself together, people will want to come to me, I'll start a march for sobriety and make it a trend. I'll be fabulous, just in a different way. Then I thought, no I'll do this privately and quietly, I just need to stay busy and reinvent myself and become healthy and active. Maybe I can become that runner that I always wanted to be but never actually wanted to run. Then I got on Pinterest, who doesn't love Pinterest?!! CRAFTS! That's it, I'll do fantastic, glorious crafts and keep busy and while I'm at it I'll start a business. I'll start an in home party business, how great! I will be the next Mary Kay, founder of my own domain. I'll be a Queen and although I haven't given up completely on the business idea, that's when I realized I'm just freakin' nuts. I'm BORED already and it hasn't been a full second day. THAT'S when I realized I couldn't wait to get home to have a glass of wine. Are you serious??? Day two and I want a glass of wine and the more I think about it, I want a damn cigarette too. (By the way, as hypocritical as it sounds, I despise cigarette smokers. They smell, they look trashy and uneducated, yet I find myself thinking it's the second greatest thing on earth when I'm having a glass of wine, the first greatest thing being my wine.) Now I'm just annoyed at myself. I make it through the rest of the day at work and meet my son for shopping. He helps me pick out Easter dinner and we have a nice time. I come home to make dinner and tell my husband about my fabulous business idea and get shot down with all the negatives....how much work it will be and what if this and what if that and blah blah blah and again I realize I want that glass of wine and I want it NOW. So I tell him how negative he is and walk away. I've done several laps around the house, the laundry, cleaned and finally sat down for this. The craving is passing now as it's getting late, but what a hell of a night and what really disturbs me is normally I think I'd be fine without a glass of wine tonight, or perhaps okay with just having one or two, but the fact that I can't or am choosing not to is messing with my head. I know I can't even let myself have one right now due to the consistent nature of me not knowing which night it will be one or two glasses and which night it will be one or two bottles.
I'm not sure where this will go from here, but for today that's where I am and quite honestly it sucks.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The beginning
April 3, 2012
First Post
Last night I went home to sneak my normal glass of Chardonnay while everyone was out. Then I realized I had time to sneak three glasses. After the second glass, it's usually over. At that point it's at least the bottle and at that point it doesn't matter if it's a good Chardonnay or two buck chuck! I woke up this morning after having finished two bottles last night and smoking several cigarettes. A lovely little habit I picked up when I started "Binge Cocktailing". (So much better than saying I'm an alcoholic, or is it?) I then pick up my cell to see who was fortunate enough to receive a drunk dial or text from me. It's usually my mother, as the only time I can have a conversation with her is when I'm intoxicated. Unfortunately I sent a couple angry texts to my husband, who is out of town for a meeting, and then apparently called him--that of which I have no recollection. He is usually the lucky one at the other end of my blackouts. I apologized profusely and made excuses and got dressed haphazardly for work. I believe driving in I was still slightly inebriated which frightened me but I couldn't miss a day of work due to being hung over or I'd have to admit it to my husband and the disappointment on his face and in his voice lately are almost unbearable.I've been thinking about what I did last night the majority of the morning and wondering how to get help. I can't live like this anymore, it's a lie. I like to act as if I'm some sort of great hostess and socialite with my vast knowledge of vino while walking around with a glass of wine in my hand at home and at functions. The only one I'm fooling is myself. My husband certainly knows I cannot handle my wine and the look in my son's eye when I pour a glass says it all. My friends...well they are usually half way there as well, as those are the type of friends I choose to blend with, other "Cocktail Moms".
So while mulling around how to figure this out and change who I am, because it is not just what I do--it has become who I am, I pick up today's paper and read a column titled "Alcohol Screening Important" and an article from an author and columnist about using alcohol to cope with the stresses of parenthood until finally realizing she was an alcoholic. In her books she referenced "cocktail moms" and I realized immediately that is me. I took the screening at howdoyouscore.org, it said I needed help, DUH, didn't see that coming!
I live in a small town where everyone knows EVERYONE and that is not an exaggeration. For me to go to an AA meeting would be horrific in my mind. Admitting to being an alcoholic out loud also not on my bucket list of things to do in life. The thought of knowing that my husband would have to live with being married to a recovering alcoholic seems so awful and I don't know that my admitting it and not being able to drink when we are at social gatherings together would be a relief to him or a stigma that he wouldn't want to deal with. (That was an extremely long and wordy sentence!)
Anyhow, so I thought I would start this blog, let's see if writing helps. Maybe putting everything down and reading it over to myself will create some sort of miracle awareness and help me to either stop or don't go pass that second glass, or even better the first glass! Maybe I'll be able to see a pattern or God only knows, something that will wake me the hell up! I've got to stop doing this. A 44 year old woman stumbling drunk, no matter how attractive I think I might be, is NOT a pretty sight, not for anyone.
This is my first blog, I could actually go on writing forever, this feels kind of good. But I'll save my stories for later, a little at a time. Who knows maybe this will help more than just me.
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